Dagger in my heart

Morning I woke up with crushing pain in my heart. I felt like dagger piecing my heart and the place of the wound is bleeding slowly. Can a person die a slow death of a bleeding heart. Because I felt I'm Dieing yet I knew it will be slow. I guess I have to bear this pain till that death of mine comes. I get out of the bed and walk towards the door. My legs get numb and head felt dizzy. I knew I can't reach the door. I turn back. But my bed is also too far for me to reach. Only option was sit in the floor. I sat in the cold tile floor and start to think about the pain. I just kept think about how hurtful it is feeling it in with my whole body till it spread through my whole body.

I don't know whether he remembers, but once I told him that I feel pain from my whole body. It will get mix with the blood and run through my whole body aching every inch of my body. And the answer he gave me was that he would kiss away my pain. and he said he has to take more effort than any other lover because i feel pain from my whole body.

But on the last day we spoke he said "cry, cry cry. I will hang the phone." I asked "alone?" And he said "Cry alone" I really must have deserve that. Crying alone. I wanted to tell him that all my life I cried alone. Don't leave me to cry alone. But I guess he didn't care anymore. And if he did care he wouldn't have say so also. "dear God, Let it be any other reason than my own fault." I wish that he left me for some other reason. Any other reason than my fault. Coz everything he told me keeps echoing in my ears. I can't stop it. Will I ever be able to stop it? (And I finally promised myself that if I ever see someone genuinely cry or sad I don't care if that person is my worst enemy, I will sit with that person and will try to cheer that person even for a minute, even if I had all the problems in the world. Nobody should cry alone.)

Now I'm scared of my day. Now I can't stop my tears. I usually can't stop my tears. He said that I'm like a heartless person once. May be doesn't know that if a person cry alone for so long time as I did, that other people will never understand that persons feelings. Other people will always see that person as a heartless person. And only a person who is willing to look in to that person's heart will understand the depth of that heart. He actually did understand me. He knew when I was upset. He knew when I was happy. And when I finally let him enter in to my heart, it was end of it. Its like good things never lasts for me.

Now I wonder how am I suppose to go along the day. Pain will be crushing. My body will be lifeless. My heart will be wounded. My mind would be at a fight, making it impossible to concentrate. Day time will be dark. I will have a eyes which will be always ready to cry. I wish that I didn't love him this much so that my pain would be more bearable. I really tried to do the justice for his love and in the end at a higher personal cost. So now that with a shrinking scared heart I'm going to start my day's work.

"Please God help me to get through this day, without anyone seeing me cry, without anyone knowing me sad, and without anyone, more than anyone him, not going through the same experience as mine.