Story of my life

The girl I hate most

She holds my life on her hand

Walking away from me always with it

She holds my life on her hand

Owning everything in my world

The girls I hate most

Her smile pierces my heart

Like a throne of a rose stem

But my life knows better

That smile is not a thorn but a rose

The girl I hate most

She holds my life on her hand

With a life, that she has no right

To live the life she lives

Coz it is not her’s but mine

The girl who hold my life in her hand

Knows that once broken it would never amend

(If she dropped my life from her hand)

So she clings to it day and night

Not knowing that she is clinging to my life

Oh hateful being,

How awful that my life and yours have to be one

But I must take care of her with all my might

Coz he won’t allow me to hold his life but her

And coz I can’t let anyone else to hold my life but him

My life depend upon her

Upon my worst enemy

Walk was not a walk without you

This post is for someone very special. I can’t tell things that I want to tell him directly or indirectly. So I am not going to say anything to him. Instead I am going to tell everything to you. By that I am saying everything without telling him anything.  You will never know who he is. But if he ever gets to read this he will know right away this is for him. The thing I wanted tell him and couldn’t tell him, things that never happens and always wished to happen all those things I will tell you. So here start my first post which is dedicated to my first love. Girls are like ice cream bars he would say. Yes he had lot of experience of girls. But I was the only one who could sit under his shadow. You may think I am fooling myself. But if you look deep within his heart you will see me reflected on him. We are both alike what ever we told ourselves. That must be the one of the reasons that we couldn’t be together.

I was walking to the shop. I needed some things to buy urgently. I don’t like walking alone. I always wanted to walk with someone by my side. I always wanted someone special in my side with the every step I took. It was then he suddenly appeared before me. In my unconscious mind I wished him to come by my side. I wanted him to accompany me to the shop. Once in my life to be felt that there is someone by my side. He doesn’t smile much. But when he smiles, its like thousand blue tulips blossoms. You can see through to his soul through his smile. He smiled at me opening the gateway to his soul. I was mesmerized. But I shook off the shock and collect myself before he gets closer. I was myself when he reached me. Where are you going? He asked me.

I state the purpose of my trip.

Shall I come with you? The words that I waited so long to hear, he is saying them. I so wanted tell him yes. Yes, yes please do walk with me.

No, I’ll be fine. Instead I told him. He was little bit disappointed. I saw that with his failing smile. But he had no idea how disappointed I was with myself. My life just slipped through my fingers.

There is lot of explanations I could give to justify my actions. (Pride, stupidity or any other complicated totally justifiable reason.) But I will not. Because now I know that it doesn’t matter anymore. They say that there are three things in life once gone that never come back. One is time (the time that I could spend with him) second is words (the word uttered “no” as my answer could never be replaced by yes which I wanted to say) and third is opportunity (the opportunity to get him know better). I succeed in loosing all three of those things in a fraction of time that day. And certainly once they were gone they never came back.

And now not to fade away from my memory and his memory I as going to save that moment in this post. It will be preserve with these words and all your minds, so finally I could do some justice for that moment. 

End of the day

Thank God, end of the day I am really calmed down. It was very disturbing day but I thought myself a lot. First of all he called me couple of times. I didn't expect him to call me. Yes I might have wished call from him. But I thought after what he told me last time we spoke at the night we said goodbye and the next time indifference voice of his, he wouldn't call me again. So I didn't expect him to call me. So once he called me I was devastated, with the temptation to answer him, hearing of his voice and my mind demanding not to answer and warning me not to be weak in front of him. So I didn't answer. Instead I send him a msg saying that since he left me, not to call me again. I received a reply very interesting one. Sry. Tc. Bs.

Hehe... Its not actually laughing matter. When I receive that msg, I was on the bus going for some errand out of house. From the moment I saw that msg I couldn't stop my tears. I cried all the way to the destination. Yes I Know it is very embarrassing. Even then also I realized that but I was so upset I couldn't stop my tears. So I will explain why I was upset actually.

First it is important to understand the meaning of the msg. Sry he send. Why is he apologizing? It could be because he is sorry for leaving me or because he is causing me pain. Ok then if he is apologizing, apologize to be successful it should fulfill three conditions.
1) There should be a mistake on his part and he has understood his mistake and is willing to correct it.
2) It should be sincere in another words it should come from bottom of his heart.
3) Most importantly he should be committed not to make the same mistake again.

So why does he said sorry. In the first assumption it is because he left me. Then he should be willing to come back to me, and felt really sorry for that and is willing to stay with me (not to leave me again)

In the second scenario if it is because he hurt me, then he must be willing to make up to his mistake, should really understand my pain and feel sorry for me, and should commit not to hurt me again.

So in the msg, it was so hard for me to decode what was his actual intention of saying sry. I never doubt his sincerity of saying sry. He might have fulfill the second condition, but without other two not being fulfilled it just became only a word.

So it was only a word from him. If he is really sry for his ex girl friend, there are two options for him.
1) Is that he could come back and apologize all the things he said and promise me that he would stay with me and promise me that he wouldn't go away.
2) Is that he could forget me, stop calling me, making his own life and allowing me to make up my mind.

If he is failing to do these both things means he is expecting me to love him while he is not in love with me. I totally understand he is not being love with me. I made the mistake. He ask me to take decision. He told me this is the way I am going to treat you, if you ok with it stay with me otherwise leave me. I waited for whole month hoping that he would make up his mind. I bore many heart breaking situations quite bravely.