Where Are You Now?

Jimmy Harnen with Synch

All alone tonight, I'm calling out your name
Somewhere deep inside this part of you remains
Images of love take me back in time

I don't know how it started or why it ever had to end
But something stepped inside we didn't let it in
It's keeping us apart, where are you now

CHORUS:
Where are you now? Is someone there tonight
Holding what was mine?
Where are you now? Do you wonder where I am,
Are you really feelin' fine?

Goin' through my life without you by my side
You're the only thing that keeps goin' through my mind
And nothin' that I do can take the place of you

CHORUS

Oooh, thinkin' about you, girl,
There's gotta be a place for me
Somewhere in your heart

All alone tonight, I'm calling out your name
Somewhere deep inside this part of you remains
Images of love, where are you now?

CHORUS

Where are you now? Is someone there tonight
Holding what was mine?
Where are you now? Do you wonder where I am,
I need you here tonight

Dagger in my heart

Morning I woke up with crushing pain in my heart. I felt like dagger piecing my heart and the place of the wound is bleeding slowly. Can a person die a slow death of a bleeding heart. Because I felt I'm Dieing yet I knew it will be slow. I guess I have to bear this pain till that death of mine comes. I get out of the bed and walk towards the door. My legs get numb and head felt dizzy. I knew I can't reach the door. I turn back. But my bed is also too far for me to reach. Only option was sit in the floor. I sat in the cold tile floor and start to think about the pain. I just kept think about how hurtful it is feeling it in with my whole body till it spread through my whole body.

I don't know whether he remembers, but once I told him that I feel pain from my whole body. It will get mix with the blood and run through my whole body aching every inch of my body. And the answer he gave me was that he would kiss away my pain. and he said he has to take more effort than any other lover because i feel pain from my whole body.

But on the last day we spoke he said "cry, cry cry. I will hang the phone." I asked "alone?" And he said "Cry alone" I really must have deserve that. Crying alone. I wanted to tell him that all my life I cried alone. Don't leave me to cry alone. But I guess he didn't care anymore. And if he did care he wouldn't have say so also. "dear God, Let it be any other reason than my own fault." I wish that he left me for some other reason. Any other reason than my fault. Coz everything he told me keeps echoing in my ears. I can't stop it. Will I ever be able to stop it? (And I finally promised myself that if I ever see someone genuinely cry or sad I don't care if that person is my worst enemy, I will sit with that person and will try to cheer that person even for a minute, even if I had all the problems in the world. Nobody should cry alone.)

Now I'm scared of my day. Now I can't stop my tears. I usually can't stop my tears. He said that I'm like a heartless person once. May be doesn't know that if a person cry alone for so long time as I did, that other people will never understand that persons feelings. Other people will always see that person as a heartless person. And only a person who is willing to look in to that person's heart will understand the depth of that heart. He actually did understand me. He knew when I was upset. He knew when I was happy. And when I finally let him enter in to my heart, it was end of it. Its like good things never lasts for me.

Now I wonder how am I suppose to go along the day. Pain will be crushing. My body will be lifeless. My heart will be wounded. My mind would be at a fight, making it impossible to concentrate. Day time will be dark. I will have a eyes which will be always ready to cry. I wish that I didn't love him this much so that my pain would be more bearable. I really tried to do the justice for his love and in the end at a higher personal cost. So now that with a shrinking scared heart I'm going to start my day's work.

"Please God help me to get through this day, without anyone seeing me cry, without anyone knowing me sad, and without anyone, more than anyone him, not going through the same experience as mine.

First day of the end of the beginning

A whole day has passed with my decision, to go away from him. He only talked me once in the morning to make a travel plan. I don't know whether I expect him to call again yet I kept looking at the phone and was always having my attention on the phone. It seems like I always waiting for a never coming phone call. I can remember even I before fallen in love with him I kept on looking for a phone call from ... (I don't know from whom.) Even when I knew that there is no one to call me I kept waiting. When I fall in love with him and when he promised me that he won't leave me, I knew that there is someone to call me and waited for his call. And I'm so thankful to him becoz he never kept me waiting. He always called me when he can. And today first time I know that even if he can he won't call me. How much however I waited he won't call me. And that fact make my heart burn with the pain. But my mind says it's for the better for if he keeps on calling it would take more time to make up my mind. Anyway I was wondering whether even he remembered me once during the day. Becoz I can't find a moment that I forgot him during the day.

He once said that I'm his breath, his life. And now when he gone away is he still can breath? Becoz I can't. I might never told him that then in that way. But now that he has gone away it seems like he has taken my breath away with him. My life away with him. It seems like that my going away from him has not even affected him that much. And it has affected me this much. I can't sleep. I can't eat. And breathing its like breating fire. My heart keep burning and my body is at unceasing pain.

He would probably say this is my own fault. And I have to tolerate this crushing pain in my heart without a complain. But still I wonder that at least once during the day did I came to in to his mind? Did he thought about me? I don't know whether I wish that to happen or not. But it seem like without hope I still waiting for him. I wonder whether he would ever come back to me. Will I ever be able to forget this pain? Will I ever be sleep again? Will he ever call me? And if he does will there be any point without the love?

One thing is for sure. That He don't feel the same pain as mine. In one hand its frustrating in other hand it is relieving. Becoz at least my love is not suffering. That means that he would be able to forget me sooner and be happier sooner. For me at the moment I only see the most darkest and most loneliest days ahead of me. I don't know whether I would have the courage to bear this pain. And when I don't have that strength I even don't have place to turn in to. I have to think alone and make up my mind like today. I will be alone in this love forever as usual. It must be my destiny to stay alone.

Before I said goodbye I asked him what to do with the love I have for you. I'm searching for an answer for that question at the moment. I might be able to find a golden coffin, put my love in it and bury it in the silvery shady bank near a beautiful river so it can rest in peace, with my body, heart and soul. It will surely give me such a peace. But I know that is also like waiting for his phone call. Even there it is possible, it will never happen.

Baby I'm in pieces, and please fix me

Another Chapter closes in my life

With a tear in my eyes i write this post, as another chapter closed in my life. I never thought things would be take this kind of turn in my life. A wonderful man came in to my life and I was so unfortunate enough to loose him in a wink of an eye. Now i have said goodbye to him that I know there is no turning back. Its the fearful, tear filled, lonely future to look ahead. I wish I could go back on time and correct my mistake i have done for him. Yesterday I promised him that I would NOT do the same mistake again and thats why I said goodbye. But my heart still aching from the pain that was unknown to me all these years. Any girl out there please never do mistakes in your life and because some mistakes are fatal and you will can never can correct them. So I take the punishment and left him not with anger but with pure love hoping that he would have better life, if I left him. It was so hard for him to forgive me. But I sincerely wish that he would one day forgive me. Even now its too late for both of us I sincerely wish he would forgive me. Each time when I begged him to be forgiven, it was so hard for him. And in the end he ask me to leave. I couldn't leave at once. I wanted so much to stay with him. I want to share even that pain of his. I begged and begged. But it was too late. He told me so and with the love my whole heart could gather I said I would leave. Even if I'm away from you, even if I you never see me, I could guarantee that you would never be alone. My love will always follow you like a shadow. Coz I'm Gonna leave it with you and it will protect you from any harm and it will keep you company in darkest and most lonely nights. And as for this site I dedicate it to you, me and our love we shared.

Never fulfilling love

Why did you make me love you so much
If you going to leave me
Why did you come to my heart
If you gonna punch it in the end
Why did you love me so much
If it will hurt so much tomorrow
Why did you want me this much
If you will never have me.

Three things that slipped through my fingers, which are gone forever

This post is dedicated to my first very special person. I can’t tell things that I want to tell him directly or indirectly. So I am not going to say anything to him. Instead I am going to tell everything to you. By that I am saying everything without telling him anything. You will never know who he is. But if he ever gets to read this he will know right away this is for him. The thing I wanted tell him and couldn’t tell him, things that never happens and always wished to happen all those things I will tell you. Girls are like ice cream bars he would say. Yes he had lot of experience with girls. But I was the only one who could sit under his shadow. You may think I am fooling myself. But if you look deep within his heart you will see me reflected on him. We are both alike whatever we told ourselves. And those similarities of ourselves are pushing us far away from each other. its like same from same magnet end and two similar magnet fields will not attract together. That must be the one of the reasons that we couldn’t be together.

I was walking to the shop. I needed some thing to buy urgently. I don’t like walking alone. I always wanted to walk with someone by my side. I always wanted someone special in my side with the every step I took. It was then he suddenly appear before me. In my unconscious mind I wished him to come by my side. I wanted him to accompany me to the shop. Once in my life to be felt that there is someone by my side. He doesn’t smile much. But when he smiles, its like thousand blue tulips blossoms. You can see through to his soul through his smile. He smiled at me with that smile. I was mesmerized. But I shook off the shock and collect myself before he gets close. I was myself when he reached me. Where are you going? He asked me.

I stated the purpose of my trip.

Shall I come with you? The words that I waited so long to hear, he is saying them. I so wanted tell him yes. Yes, yes please do walk with me.

No, I’ll be fine. Instead I told him. He was little bit disappointed. I saw that with his failing smile. But he had no idea how disappointed I was with me. My life just slipped through my fingers.

There are lot of explanation I could give to justify my actions. But I will not. Because now I know that it doesn’t matter anymore. They say that there are three things in life once gone that never come back. One is time (the time that I could spend with him) second is words (the word uttered “no” as my answer could never be replaced by yes which I wanted to say) and third is opportunity (the opportunity to get you know better) I let them all slip away in a fraction of time. And they never came back as well. That moment was lost forever.

And now not to fade away from my memory and his memory I as going to save that moment in this post. It will be preserve with these words and all your minds, so finally I could do some justice for that moment.

First letter for my love

To my love,

Hi, how are you doing? I know however u feels, u will just say that u r ok. So I really need not to ask that question. But I never failed to ask it as well. Can u remember? Its being long time and I thought even if u doesn’t need to know anything about me I will tell something how I am doing. Coz in reality I know that u don’t give a sh** about me. Yet I always wish u do. So in my own imaginary world I pretend that u does care. That relieves me. So telling about me, I am not doing well. My self confidence is so low after my graduation. My family does not do anything to understand or develop it. But rather they pressure me with their own dreams. I need time to make up my mind and pick up with my life. They don’t give me the space I require.

On the other hand I miss u like hell. I can’t stop thinking about u. even amidst of the worst adversity I think about u. I know that u will never ever come to me again. Everything in my life confirms this. I also decided to marry and have a happy family. I am thinking about falling in love again. But deep within my heart I know that I am not over u. don’t hate me much for being jerk. Forgive me for what I did. I wish to correct my mistake. But I know that doesn’t have any meaning for u anymore. But sometimes I feel like just come looking for u. Just to turn whole world around and be with u. Go against every habitual principle that society has impose on us so that I could be with u. I will just be happy being with u.

And I want u to love me also. I know that I have mistakes. But I will stay with u against whole world if u just loves me. I will never ever abandon u. after all these years I still fail to think bad of u. How much however u avoid me, how much however u go behind other girls, my heart still remain faithful to u. I didn’t come close to u in the first place because knowing that our relationship will not work I didn’t wanted to use u. I have told u this before. Other hand now I’m not coming close to u because I don’t want u to take advantage of me. I want to love u and in turn earn ur love. I might be living in a dream world wishing impossible, but this is my reality.

I am unable to make promises for the future. Because I don’t know what will I feel in future. But I can assure u that all these time till I have been faithful to u. so I am writing this letter with my love that is as unlimited as sky, and as deep as ocean for u and just for u, just to give a glimpse of my heart.


With all my love,
Ur girl

untitle

It is so frustrating when u hate some one that u should love. I don’t like to be forced to be think of certain way. My body can undergo any limitations. But I don’t want my mind have limitation. I want it to be open and choose whatever I like. I don’t like my mind to be controlled by anything or anyone. Because from my childhood that was the only thing that I felt like that was truly belongs to me. When adults strictly control my behaviours my mind was always free. That made everything bearable. That was so good that I had one place to escape from all the evils in life. However yesterday I broke. My limit was reached and I couldn’t bear anymore. I told what was on my mind to their faces. Giving my first love up was too much for me. And nobody did anything to ease up my pain. Once u bottle up so much of pain alone inside u, its bound to break up. I don’t understand why I should bear everything alone and help everyone as nothing has happened.

I hate my father. Its so unfortunate to hate ur own father when you should be in love with him. I hate him to the core and the worst part is that I don’t want to hate him and I am hating myself for hating him. I want to go away from that feeling rather than facing it, because facing it means that I would have to hurt him. I bore this for so long without telling anyone and keeping it inside. But I don’t want to anymore. I want to be free from this guilty feeling. I want to be free from this burden. So I can love myself for being me.

He always makes me feel like I am nothing. I cant do anything. I hate that feeling. However I tried do hard to impress him. I worked hard and I tried to fulfill his wishes. Even his unspoken wishes I understood and tried to fulfill. And I did most of the things. But in the process I was lost. I couldn’t even find myself anymore. I am in a deep deep hole where I never can even think of getting out. The darkness is everywhere. Amidst of everything I lost something so precious to me. So I really don’t see any point in my life anymore. I don’t want to search for my place in world anymore. This is my place in the world. And even if everyone is going against me I will stand on my ground and never will give up on my place. Ever.

Idiotic stupid world

Its Friday. Yayeeeee…. Its such a wonderful feeling to be so close to weekend. When I was young and hear people saying that they wait for weekend I was so amzed and asked myself y do they think like that? If they don’t like their jobs then they should simply quit it and find something they love to do. Now that I am working and waiting for the weekend from the Monday I know what they really meant. If the life was that simple there would be less problems and more boring.  Anyhow since most of the in charges are out from the office bought me some time for thinking and blogging. Hehe, it feel weird to type those words. Blogging… wow what has happen to me. I never really imagine this day would come.

Anyway it has come and I am supposed to go along with it. I have another message for my first love. Its unbelievable after all that has happened I still think of you. Y cant you keep away from my mind and heart. And worst is every time I see a your type girl I feel such a jealousy I don’t want even to breath. I always wonder y I can’t be her. Idiotic, stupid rules in this world. Idiotic stupid my first love. Either you leave me alone or you turn the world upside down and get me. That’s the only two options you are left with.

I don’t like him messing with my heart like this. I know this is not his fault. But I also don’t have a option. I like him too much to get close to him or go away from him. Life sucks to maxa…

Perfectly imperfect

They say no body is perfect
That’s why he says that he is nobody
So being imperfect means
A being a nobody

I know that no body is perfect
So everybody is nobody
But when two bodies get together
They become somebody to each other

When people become somebody
To each other
Those imperfect selves become
So perfect to each other

So he is my perfectly imperfect person
Who makes my imperfect life perfect
So that he can become perfect for me
And become somebody to me

Help me to get over you

Today I want to ask something from the person whom I love. I don’t know whether he will read this. But its important for me to ask this anyway. Why is it you make me fall in love with you, knowingly we can’t be together? How can you be so indifferent about it as well? Why am I only one who feeling this way? Is loving wrong? My mom made me feel that way when I told my mom about feelings I had for you. If it is this wrong then while through this pain why am I feeling not guilty for loving you? I know that we never can be together. I know that you never will accept me like that. You also said you have feelings for me? You said that you wanted to be friends with me. But how can you e this indifferent to every thing?

Why am I feeling this much attached to u even when you try to avoid me? When I want to walk away why cant I? please answer me for this questions coz I cant bear it anymore I cant bear it when I am with you so close but never being able to reach out for you. You never have been in my league. Yet I cant bear it when you are not there also. I feel like I am bleeding to death. I am praying every visible and invisible powers to save me. I don’t know where to go, what to do with this heavy pain in my heart. I search every corner where I could reach to hid from this pain. But its following me like my love for you. My love also follows you wherever you go. I cant stop it but I am getting tired of this life more and more.

Everybody seems to have first love and every one of them have move on with their life despite of this, find a new love, get married, had children and make their life a success. Then why can’t I move on. Each time I ran away from you how come I end up in front of you? Is it because this world is round? Then isn’t their any solace for me. Should I bury in this pain? Please help me to get over you the way I fall for you. Help me because I have no one but you. And because I don’t want no one to be with me but you. Help me to get over you.

My first post

This is my first post. I don’t know what to write, it’s not because I don’t have anything to write but because I have lot to write and I can’t figure which is to write first. Since this is my first post I would give brief introduction about what I am going to write in this. This will be totally dedicated for my creations. My experience, my thoughts and things I don’t want to speak in the real world will be posted here. There will be lots of relationship wise posts since I am very sensitive for those kinds of topics. Since my interests lay with the novels, poems and movies, TV series any thing I feel like writing about them also will be posted here.

First of all there will be letters that I have written long ago for my lover. Those letters can never be delivered to him. But I want open them to the world and even unseen by him; I wanted them to be tangible because my own feelings are expressed through the letters. Then these feelings will not be drawn in to the emptiness as many things in my life.

I don’t want my blog dedicate only for that. So I will write anything that is able to move me to the core. The interesting people I meet in day to day life and their interesting behavior, how they had left lasting impression on my heart, everything will be explained in here.

Lastly the creations that I have enjoyed and the personal impact they have made upon me will be posted. There are lot of books, and quotes I have read and touched my heart. There are lot of movies those have touched my heart. In order to remember those feelings and share it with you, I hope to write them on this blog.