untitle

It is so frustrating when u hate some one that u should love. I don’t like to be forced to be think of certain way. My body can undergo any limitations. But I don’t want my mind have limitation. I want it to be open and choose whatever I like. I don’t like my mind to be controlled by anything or anyone. Because from my childhood that was the only thing that I felt like that was truly belongs to me. When adults strictly control my behaviours my mind was always free. That made everything bearable. That was so good that I had one place to escape from all the evils in life. However yesterday I broke. My limit was reached and I couldn’t bear anymore. I told what was on my mind to their faces. Giving my first love up was too much for me. And nobody did anything to ease up my pain. Once u bottle up so much of pain alone inside u, its bound to break up. I don’t understand why I should bear everything alone and help everyone as nothing has happened.

I hate my father. Its so unfortunate to hate ur own father when you should be in love with him. I hate him to the core and the worst part is that I don’t want to hate him and I am hating myself for hating him. I want to go away from that feeling rather than facing it, because facing it means that I would have to hurt him. I bore this for so long without telling anyone and keeping it inside. But I don’t want to anymore. I want to be free from this guilty feeling. I want to be free from this burden. So I can love myself for being me.

He always makes me feel like I am nothing. I cant do anything. I hate that feeling. However I tried do hard to impress him. I worked hard and I tried to fulfill his wishes. Even his unspoken wishes I understood and tried to fulfill. And I did most of the things. But in the process I was lost. I couldn’t even find myself anymore. I am in a deep deep hole where I never can even think of getting out. The darkness is everywhere. Amidst of everything I lost something so precious to me. So I really don’t see any point in my life anymore. I don’t want to search for my place in world anymore. This is my place in the world. And even if everyone is going against me I will stand on my ground and never will give up on my place. Ever.

Idiotic stupid world

Its Friday. Yayeeeee…. Its such a wonderful feeling to be so close to weekend. When I was young and hear people saying that they wait for weekend I was so amzed and asked myself y do they think like that? If they don’t like their jobs then they should simply quit it and find something they love to do. Now that I am working and waiting for the weekend from the Monday I know what they really meant. If the life was that simple there would be less problems and more boring.  Anyhow since most of the in charges are out from the office bought me some time for thinking and blogging. Hehe, it feel weird to type those words. Blogging… wow what has happen to me. I never really imagine this day would come.

Anyway it has come and I am supposed to go along with it. I have another message for my first love. Its unbelievable after all that has happened I still think of you. Y cant you keep away from my mind and heart. And worst is every time I see a your type girl I feel such a jealousy I don’t want even to breath. I always wonder y I can’t be her. Idiotic, stupid rules in this world. Idiotic stupid my first love. Either you leave me alone or you turn the world upside down and get me. That’s the only two options you are left with.

I don’t like him messing with my heart like this. I know this is not his fault. But I also don’t have a option. I like him too much to get close to him or go away from him. Life sucks to maxa…

Perfectly imperfect

They say no body is perfect
That’s why he says that he is nobody
So being imperfect means
A being a nobody

I know that no body is perfect
So everybody is nobody
But when two bodies get together
They become somebody to each other

When people become somebody
To each other
Those imperfect selves become
So perfect to each other

So he is my perfectly imperfect person
Who makes my imperfect life perfect
So that he can become perfect for me
And become somebody to me

Help me to get over you

Today I want to ask something from the person whom I love. I don’t know whether he will read this. But its important for me to ask this anyway. Why is it you make me fall in love with you, knowingly we can’t be together? How can you be so indifferent about it as well? Why am I only one who feeling this way? Is loving wrong? My mom made me feel that way when I told my mom about feelings I had for you. If it is this wrong then while through this pain why am I feeling not guilty for loving you? I know that we never can be together. I know that you never will accept me like that. You also said you have feelings for me? You said that you wanted to be friends with me. But how can you e this indifferent to every thing?

Why am I feeling this much attached to u even when you try to avoid me? When I want to walk away why cant I? please answer me for this questions coz I cant bear it anymore I cant bear it when I am with you so close but never being able to reach out for you. You never have been in my league. Yet I cant bear it when you are not there also. I feel like I am bleeding to death. I am praying every visible and invisible powers to save me. I don’t know where to go, what to do with this heavy pain in my heart. I search every corner where I could reach to hid from this pain. But its following me like my love for you. My love also follows you wherever you go. I cant stop it but I am getting tired of this life more and more.

Everybody seems to have first love and every one of them have move on with their life despite of this, find a new love, get married, had children and make their life a success. Then why can’t I move on. Each time I ran away from you how come I end up in front of you? Is it because this world is round? Then isn’t their any solace for me. Should I bury in this pain? Please help me to get over you the way I fall for you. Help me because I have no one but you. And because I don’t want no one to be with me but you. Help me to get over you.

My first post

This is my first post. I don’t know what to write, it’s not because I don’t have anything to write but because I have lot to write and I can’t figure which is to write first. Since this is my first post I would give brief introduction about what I am going to write in this. This will be totally dedicated for my creations. My experience, my thoughts and things I don’t want to speak in the real world will be posted here. There will be lots of relationship wise posts since I am very sensitive for those kinds of topics. Since my interests lay with the novels, poems and movies, TV series any thing I feel like writing about them also will be posted here.

First of all there will be letters that I have written long ago for my lover. Those letters can never be delivered to him. But I want open them to the world and even unseen by him; I wanted them to be tangible because my own feelings are expressed through the letters. Then these feelings will not be drawn in to the emptiness as many things in my life.

I don’t want my blog dedicate only for that. So I will write anything that is able to move me to the core. The interesting people I meet in day to day life and their interesting behavior, how they had left lasting impression on my heart, everything will be explained in here.

Lastly the creations that I have enjoyed and the personal impact they have made upon me will be posted. There are lot of books, and quotes I have read and touched my heart. There are lot of movies those have touched my heart. In order to remember those feelings and share it with you, I hope to write them on this blog.