Story of my life

The girl I hate most

She holds my life on her hand

Walking away from me always with it

She holds my life on her hand

Owning everything in my world

The girls I hate most

Her smile pierces my heart

Like a throne of a rose stem

But my life knows better

That smile is not a thorn but a rose

The girl I hate most

She holds my life on her hand

With a life, that she has no right

To live the life she lives

Coz it is not her’s but mine

The girl who hold my life in her hand

Knows that once broken it would never amend

(If she dropped my life from her hand)

So she clings to it day and night

Not knowing that she is clinging to my life

Oh hateful being,

How awful that my life and yours have to be one

But I must take care of her with all my might

Coz he won’t allow me to hold his life but her

And coz I can’t let anyone else to hold my life but him

My life depend upon her

Upon my worst enemy

Walk was not a walk without you

This post is for someone very special. I can’t tell things that I want to tell him directly or indirectly. So I am not going to say anything to him. Instead I am going to tell everything to you. By that I am saying everything without telling him anything.  You will never know who he is. But if he ever gets to read this he will know right away this is for him. The thing I wanted tell him and couldn’t tell him, things that never happens and always wished to happen all those things I will tell you. So here start my first post which is dedicated to my first love. Girls are like ice cream bars he would say. Yes he had lot of experience of girls. But I was the only one who could sit under his shadow. You may think I am fooling myself. But if you look deep within his heart you will see me reflected on him. We are both alike what ever we told ourselves. That must be the one of the reasons that we couldn’t be together.

I was walking to the shop. I needed some things to buy urgently. I don’t like walking alone. I always wanted to walk with someone by my side. I always wanted someone special in my side with the every step I took. It was then he suddenly appeared before me. In my unconscious mind I wished him to come by my side. I wanted him to accompany me to the shop. Once in my life to be felt that there is someone by my side. He doesn’t smile much. But when he smiles, its like thousand blue tulips blossoms. You can see through to his soul through his smile. He smiled at me opening the gateway to his soul. I was mesmerized. But I shook off the shock and collect myself before he gets closer. I was myself when he reached me. Where are you going? He asked me.

I state the purpose of my trip.

Shall I come with you? The words that I waited so long to hear, he is saying them. I so wanted tell him yes. Yes, yes please do walk with me.

No, I’ll be fine. Instead I told him. He was little bit disappointed. I saw that with his failing smile. But he had no idea how disappointed I was with myself. My life just slipped through my fingers.

There is lot of explanations I could give to justify my actions. (Pride, stupidity or any other complicated totally justifiable reason.) But I will not. Because now I know that it doesn’t matter anymore. They say that there are three things in life once gone that never come back. One is time (the time that I could spend with him) second is words (the word uttered “no” as my answer could never be replaced by yes which I wanted to say) and third is opportunity (the opportunity to get him know better). I succeed in loosing all three of those things in a fraction of time that day. And certainly once they were gone they never came back.

And now not to fade away from my memory and his memory I as going to save that moment in this post. It will be preserve with these words and all your minds, so finally I could do some justice for that moment. 

End of the day

Thank God, end of the day I am really calmed down. It was very disturbing day but I thought myself a lot. First of all he called me couple of times. I didn't expect him to call me. Yes I might have wished call from him. But I thought after what he told me last time we spoke at the night we said goodbye and the next time indifference voice of his, he wouldn't call me again. So I didn't expect him to call me. So once he called me I was devastated, with the temptation to answer him, hearing of his voice and my mind demanding not to answer and warning me not to be weak in front of him. So I didn't answer. Instead I send him a msg saying that since he left me, not to call me again. I received a reply very interesting one. Sry. Tc. Bs.

Hehe... Its not actually laughing matter. When I receive that msg, I was on the bus going for some errand out of house. From the moment I saw that msg I couldn't stop my tears. I cried all the way to the destination. Yes I Know it is very embarrassing. Even then also I realized that but I was so upset I couldn't stop my tears. So I will explain why I was upset actually.

First it is important to understand the meaning of the msg. Sry he send. Why is he apologizing? It could be because he is sorry for leaving me or because he is causing me pain. Ok then if he is apologizing, apologize to be successful it should fulfill three conditions.
1) There should be a mistake on his part and he has understood his mistake and is willing to correct it.
2) It should be sincere in another words it should come from bottom of his heart.
3) Most importantly he should be committed not to make the same mistake again.

So why does he said sorry. In the first assumption it is because he left me. Then he should be willing to come back to me, and felt really sorry for that and is willing to stay with me (not to leave me again)

In the second scenario if it is because he hurt me, then he must be willing to make up to his mistake, should really understand my pain and feel sorry for me, and should commit not to hurt me again.

So in the msg, it was so hard for me to decode what was his actual intention of saying sry. I never doubt his sincerity of saying sry. He might have fulfill the second condition, but without other two not being fulfilled it just became only a word.

So it was only a word from him. If he is really sry for his ex girl friend, there are two options for him.
1) Is that he could come back and apologize all the things he said and promise me that he would stay with me and promise me that he wouldn't go away.
2) Is that he could forget me, stop calling me, making his own life and allowing me to make up my mind.

If he is failing to do these both things means he is expecting me to love him while he is not in love with me. I totally understand he is not being love with me. I made the mistake. He ask me to take decision. He told me this is the way I am going to treat you, if you ok with it stay with me otherwise leave me. I waited for whole month hoping that he would make up his mind. I bore many heart breaking situations quite bravely.

Where are you now

Where are you now
'Cause I need to have you right here next to me
You're not around
Oh where are you now

Just like a diamond from the sky
You are a star shining bright for me
But now it's fading, fading
Carry my soul upon the waves, soaring so high
Oh you gave me wings
Now I'm left pondering

Where are you now
'Cause I need to have you right here next to me
You're not around
Feels like you took the air I breath
I hear the sound of my lonely heart beat calling out to yours
You can't be found
Oh where are you now

Told me you'd never leave my side
Time passes by
Tears are real to me (so real)
Was I just dreaming, dreaming
You wonder why I drag it out
Drunk on your love
Now I'm blessed by you
But my cup is empty

Where are you now
'Cause I need to have you right here next to me
You're not around
Feels like you took the air I breath
I hear the sound of my lonely heart beat calling out to yours
You can't be found
Oh where are you now

I thought we were in the [..]
So meant to be together
And what we had was everlasting
Ending never
How could everything be gone
You're not with me tonight
You should be here holding me tight
Holding me, holding me, holding me tight

Where are you now
'Cause I need to have you right here next to me
You're not around
Feels like you took the air I breath
I hear the sound of my lonely heart beat calling out to yours
You can't be found
Oh where are you now
[2x]

Nightcore

Its not the most painful fact that you don't have him, but the fact that he don't want to be with u

Ya, It is always like that. I always fall in love with the people who don't love me back. And I keep wishing that he would love me. Funny thing is he said I won't go away from you whatever happens, but he not only left me but also gone for another person.
He said that if he didn't have me he won't ever fall in love again. But he had already fallen in love and have forgotten me too.

I only said I would try to love u, plz wait till I do. And I tried till I succeed, but there's no one to receive it. And now that I have fallen in love I can't leave u or fall in love again.

What a ironic my life is. I often wonder he was ever sincere in his words. He told me so many things, but never acted on those words. I was always taken back to readily give promises, but I feel like I have done more than he even ask me.

I received another message from him. He had got through his exam. I am happy for him. But also sad that knowing the fact he doesn't miss me like the way I miss him. If he does things would be much more different. First he wouldn't have left. Second that he wouldn't be that much unhappy with me. Each time I think of how unhappy he was with me, I feel like dagger piecing through my heart oozing blood. Everyday it seems like my wounds will never gonna heal.

When I received his message I wanted to cry and ask him y r u happy without me? Y can't I be happy without u? Y is my life is such a mess without u and y ur life go so well without me? Y I can't get u out of my mind even for a one second when u never remember me? I wanted to call him tell him that come back to me, there is no life for me without u. I can't think straight, I can't breath freely and my nights are so dark without u.

I'll give whatever u want, the things u always wanted coz without u, I don't have any value of myself. Plz come back. I don't want anything other than ur love and without ur love thr is no point of having the whole world. I would fight with the whole world if only I could have you, if u would love me, I would bea any insult, just come back to me. End this pain that have become part of me.

But I finally typed "congratulations, gud for u" I did what I had to do. I don't have the right to say anything of what I actually felt, but sent him a polite reply, that reveals non of my true feelings. He is no longer mine to share my thoughts. He is some one elses.

When I remember that he is happy with someone else, and I am still alone in this world, when I feel that he is happy even without me, and I'm in pain becoz he is not with me my heart ache with a pain that is inexpressible through the words. So at that time I sat on some place and stare in to the horizon wishing that pain would some day disappear.

I hope that one day this pain would disappear and till that day I would bear it in my heart. No one would no, and there is no point that even the whole world getting to know about it, becoz the one whom I want to be know my pain and love will not be thr for me, even though how much hurt I am and how much I love him.

Walk among the thorny road of Roses

Oh it has been almost two months after he left me. Lot happened during the time. One day he send me a text saying that he is going to start a new relationship with another girl. That I expected from the time when I felt like he was going away from me. However I was glad he could not see my tears. Because I make sure to show him the bravest part of me. I said that I hate him and I never had Loved him and was glad that he went away. (Because I felt like I have been badly used by him specially when he scold me saying that the breakup was my fault) Yes, I pretended that I don't care for him and I never actually liked him. (hehe, Only myself know the truth) I was brutal in declaring my stand. I once send a message just saying "I HATE YOU". Poor darling, What must have he felt?
Ok, I'll type exactly what I sent to him.

"First u better stop playing with me. I said not to call but u keep calling me. Truth is I no longer like to to hear u or see u. So keep away from me. I will smile if u keep away from me. I shud have done that when you first ask me. U insulted our friendship. But I kept quite. That was my first mistake. Then i force myself to like u. hv u ever tried to like someone who is not special one in ur life? Try that one and u'll know what I went thru. It was all because I wanted to do the Justice I thought u had for me. And when I sincerely Liked u, u threw me away. ok. Thats also fine. I only ask u to leave me alone. U took advantage of our frndship n deceived m. At least now dnt u think i deserve a break. I really dnt care anymore. Dnt come to me to release ur guilty feelings, u have towards me coz Im never gng to forgive u. i will remember what u did to me till my last breath and even after that."

Gosh, now I reread it I feel terrible. That was monstrous of me. How shud have he felt? However by then also he knew that he was not in a position to reveal the truth. Truth that he hide from me. Not long after that I returned everything he gifted me except for two things. I don't know whether he took a look on the things I've returned. If he did then he would have realised that I haven't returned two things. His first and one of his last gifts I didn't returned purposefully. May be that would be another story in this blog.

Anyway I was heartless person towards him. Truely I sometimes lack sensitivity and become too much honest expressing my opinion. But that can't be compared in hurting a person purposefully. Specially your most loved one.

But finally I received the text I expected.
He has a girl friend. Not me. Some other person.
So normally I should be upset. No, I wasn't upset. I was relieved. I felt like I was bit more close to him now that he was honest with me. I thought I would even could let go of him now that he have a girlfriend. Not me.

Every morning and night I thought how did he survived not hearing my voice, coz I felt like suffocating not to hear his voice. I thought how he survive without one message from me, coz I kept looking at my phone expecting one message of normal greeting from him whole day long.

Was there a one minute that I didn't think of him? No there wasn't. I knew that there was something he kept away from me. So finally I got my answer. He got another girl friend. Wow. The person who swear that he won't leave me had left me already and even started a new life. I was waiting at the end of the road he had left me hoping that he would return. Ya, under all those brutal words, I hoped that he would returned to me.

I promised myself I would give everything he would want, if only he returned to me. I would love him with m every breath, with my life. I would change the whole world for him. I would listen to any insult that world would throw at me for him. I wouldn't complain. I wouldn't cry. I would fight with the whole world and win it for him. There wasn't anything I wouldn't give for him. But it was too late. I fall in love late. He had already left and there wasn't anyone to listen to my heart.

I didn't know what to do with my love. And this makes me angry at all the time. I got angry with everyone and everything. So my love was also subjected to my anger. However when I get to know that he had a girlfriend my anger subsided. I felt like without closing me from his world he accepted me in to it. May be that's all I always wanted. I was nobody to him anymore. But I found comfort knowing yet another piece of information about him. The most painful information should it be. Ya it was painful later. That's for another story. But I was relieved to know that he haven't shut me up from his world.

Now looking at my heart, after one month I get to know he has started another relationship throwing my love away like it was nothing but a bit of garbage I must admit I love him more than a two months back. Of course he doesn't call me. Nor he text me. Nor we meet each other. But my heart beat for him every second. Every step I take I feel like he is with me. Yes, I feel lonely sometimes. But that is because he isn't with me. That is also part of my love. But best thing of the love that I have towards him is going to be the next story of my blog.

I still cry for his love. The way I feel him now, I know that I love him with my everything even I can't have him. I don't have the doubts I had before. I feel so free. But I purposely keep away from him because I know that is the right thing to do.

Where Are You Now?

Jimmy Harnen with Synch

All alone tonight, I'm calling out your name
Somewhere deep inside this part of you remains
Images of love take me back in time

I don't know how it started or why it ever had to end
But something stepped inside we didn't let it in
It's keeping us apart, where are you now

CHORUS:
Where are you now? Is someone there tonight
Holding what was mine?
Where are you now? Do you wonder where I am,
Are you really feelin' fine?

Goin' through my life without you by my side
You're the only thing that keeps goin' through my mind
And nothin' that I do can take the place of you

CHORUS

Oooh, thinkin' about you, girl,
There's gotta be a place for me
Somewhere in your heart

All alone tonight, I'm calling out your name
Somewhere deep inside this part of you remains
Images of love, where are you now?

CHORUS

Where are you now? Is someone there tonight
Holding what was mine?
Where are you now? Do you wonder where I am,
I need you here tonight