Where are you now

Where are you now
'Cause I need to have you right here next to me
You're not around
Oh where are you now

Just like a diamond from the sky
You are a star shining bright for me
But now it's fading, fading
Carry my soul upon the waves, soaring so high
Oh you gave me wings
Now I'm left pondering

Where are you now
'Cause I need to have you right here next to me
You're not around
Feels like you took the air I breath
I hear the sound of my lonely heart beat calling out to yours
You can't be found
Oh where are you now

Told me you'd never leave my side
Time passes by
Tears are real to me (so real)
Was I just dreaming, dreaming
You wonder why I drag it out
Drunk on your love
Now I'm blessed by you
But my cup is empty

Where are you now
'Cause I need to have you right here next to me
You're not around
Feels like you took the air I breath
I hear the sound of my lonely heart beat calling out to yours
You can't be found
Oh where are you now

I thought we were in the [..]
So meant to be together
And what we had was everlasting
Ending never
How could everything be gone
You're not with me tonight
You should be here holding me tight
Holding me, holding me, holding me tight

Where are you now
'Cause I need to have you right here next to me
You're not around
Feels like you took the air I breath
I hear the sound of my lonely heart beat calling out to yours
You can't be found
Oh where are you now
[2x]

Nightcore

Its not the most painful fact that you don't have him, but the fact that he don't want to be with u

Ya, It is always like that. I always fall in love with the people who don't love me back. And I keep wishing that he would love me. Funny thing is he said I won't go away from you whatever happens, but he not only left me but also gone for another person.
He said that if he didn't have me he won't ever fall in love again. But he had already fallen in love and have forgotten me too.

I only said I would try to love u, plz wait till I do. And I tried till I succeed, but there's no one to receive it. And now that I have fallen in love I can't leave u or fall in love again.

What a ironic my life is. I often wonder he was ever sincere in his words. He told me so many things, but never acted on those words. I was always taken back to readily give promises, but I feel like I have done more than he even ask me.

I received another message from him. He had got through his exam. I am happy for him. But also sad that knowing the fact he doesn't miss me like the way I miss him. If he does things would be much more different. First he wouldn't have left. Second that he wouldn't be that much unhappy with me. Each time I think of how unhappy he was with me, I feel like dagger piecing through my heart oozing blood. Everyday it seems like my wounds will never gonna heal.

When I received his message I wanted to cry and ask him y r u happy without me? Y can't I be happy without u? Y is my life is such a mess without u and y ur life go so well without me? Y I can't get u out of my mind even for a one second when u never remember me? I wanted to call him tell him that come back to me, there is no life for me without u. I can't think straight, I can't breath freely and my nights are so dark without u.

I'll give whatever u want, the things u always wanted coz without u, I don't have any value of myself. Plz come back. I don't want anything other than ur love and without ur love thr is no point of having the whole world. I would fight with the whole world if only I could have you, if u would love me, I would bea any insult, just come back to me. End this pain that have become part of me.

But I finally typed "congratulations, gud for u" I did what I had to do. I don't have the right to say anything of what I actually felt, but sent him a polite reply, that reveals non of my true feelings. He is no longer mine to share my thoughts. He is some one elses.

When I remember that he is happy with someone else, and I am still alone in this world, when I feel that he is happy even without me, and I'm in pain becoz he is not with me my heart ache with a pain that is inexpressible through the words. So at that time I sat on some place and stare in to the horizon wishing that pain would some day disappear.

I hope that one day this pain would disappear and till that day I would bear it in my heart. No one would no, and there is no point that even the whole world getting to know about it, becoz the one whom I want to be know my pain and love will not be thr for me, even though how much hurt I am and how much I love him.

Walk among the thorny road of Roses

Oh it has been almost two months after he left me. Lot happened during the time. One day he send me a text saying that he is going to start a new relationship with another girl. That I expected from the time when I felt like he was going away from me. However I was glad he could not see my tears. Because I make sure to show him the bravest part of me. I said that I hate him and I never had Loved him and was glad that he went away. (Because I felt like I have been badly used by him specially when he scold me saying that the breakup was my fault) Yes, I pretended that I don't care for him and I never actually liked him. (hehe, Only myself know the truth) I was brutal in declaring my stand. I once send a message just saying "I HATE YOU". Poor darling, What must have he felt?
Ok, I'll type exactly what I sent to him.

"First u better stop playing with me. I said not to call but u keep calling me. Truth is I no longer like to to hear u or see u. So keep away from me. I will smile if u keep away from me. I shud have done that when you first ask me. U insulted our friendship. But I kept quite. That was my first mistake. Then i force myself to like u. hv u ever tried to like someone who is not special one in ur life? Try that one and u'll know what I went thru. It was all because I wanted to do the Justice I thought u had for me. And when I sincerely Liked u, u threw me away. ok. Thats also fine. I only ask u to leave me alone. U took advantage of our frndship n deceived m. At least now dnt u think i deserve a break. I really dnt care anymore. Dnt come to me to release ur guilty feelings, u have towards me coz Im never gng to forgive u. i will remember what u did to me till my last breath and even after that."

Gosh, now I reread it I feel terrible. That was monstrous of me. How shud have he felt? However by then also he knew that he was not in a position to reveal the truth. Truth that he hide from me. Not long after that I returned everything he gifted me except for two things. I don't know whether he took a look on the things I've returned. If he did then he would have realised that I haven't returned two things. His first and one of his last gifts I didn't returned purposefully. May be that would be another story in this blog.

Anyway I was heartless person towards him. Truely I sometimes lack sensitivity and become too much honest expressing my opinion. But that can't be compared in hurting a person purposefully. Specially your most loved one.

But finally I received the text I expected.
He has a girl friend. Not me. Some other person.
So normally I should be upset. No, I wasn't upset. I was relieved. I felt like I was bit more close to him now that he was honest with me. I thought I would even could let go of him now that he have a girlfriend. Not me.

Every morning and night I thought how did he survived not hearing my voice, coz I felt like suffocating not to hear his voice. I thought how he survive without one message from me, coz I kept looking at my phone expecting one message of normal greeting from him whole day long.

Was there a one minute that I didn't think of him? No there wasn't. I knew that there was something he kept away from me. So finally I got my answer. He got another girl friend. Wow. The person who swear that he won't leave me had left me already and even started a new life. I was waiting at the end of the road he had left me hoping that he would return. Ya, under all those brutal words, I hoped that he would returned to me.

I promised myself I would give everything he would want, if only he returned to me. I would love him with m every breath, with my life. I would change the whole world for him. I would listen to any insult that world would throw at me for him. I wouldn't complain. I wouldn't cry. I would fight with the whole world and win it for him. There wasn't anything I wouldn't give for him. But it was too late. I fall in love late. He had already left and there wasn't anyone to listen to my heart.

I didn't know what to do with my love. And this makes me angry at all the time. I got angry with everyone and everything. So my love was also subjected to my anger. However when I get to know that he had a girlfriend my anger subsided. I felt like without closing me from his world he accepted me in to it. May be that's all I always wanted. I was nobody to him anymore. But I found comfort knowing yet another piece of information about him. The most painful information should it be. Ya it was painful later. That's for another story. But I was relieved to know that he haven't shut me up from his world.

Now looking at my heart, after one month I get to know he has started another relationship throwing my love away like it was nothing but a bit of garbage I must admit I love him more than a two months back. Of course he doesn't call me. Nor he text me. Nor we meet each other. But my heart beat for him every second. Every step I take I feel like he is with me. Yes, I feel lonely sometimes. But that is because he isn't with me. That is also part of my love. But best thing of the love that I have towards him is going to be the next story of my blog.

I still cry for his love. The way I feel him now, I know that I love him with my everything even I can't have him. I don't have the doubts I had before. I feel so free. But I purposely keep away from him because I know that is the right thing to do.

Where Are You Now?

Jimmy Harnen with Synch

All alone tonight, I'm calling out your name
Somewhere deep inside this part of you remains
Images of love take me back in time

I don't know how it started or why it ever had to end
But something stepped inside we didn't let it in
It's keeping us apart, where are you now

CHORUS:
Where are you now? Is someone there tonight
Holding what was mine?
Where are you now? Do you wonder where I am,
Are you really feelin' fine?

Goin' through my life without you by my side
You're the only thing that keeps goin' through my mind
And nothin' that I do can take the place of you

CHORUS

Oooh, thinkin' about you, girl,
There's gotta be a place for me
Somewhere in your heart

All alone tonight, I'm calling out your name
Somewhere deep inside this part of you remains
Images of love, where are you now?

CHORUS

Where are you now? Is someone there tonight
Holding what was mine?
Where are you now? Do you wonder where I am,
I need you here tonight

Dagger in my heart

Morning I woke up with crushing pain in my heart. I felt like dagger piecing my heart and the place of the wound is bleeding slowly. Can a person die a slow death of a bleeding heart. Because I felt I'm Dieing yet I knew it will be slow. I guess I have to bear this pain till that death of mine comes. I get out of the bed and walk towards the door. My legs get numb and head felt dizzy. I knew I can't reach the door. I turn back. But my bed is also too far for me to reach. Only option was sit in the floor. I sat in the cold tile floor and start to think about the pain. I just kept think about how hurtful it is feeling it in with my whole body till it spread through my whole body.

I don't know whether he remembers, but once I told him that I feel pain from my whole body. It will get mix with the blood and run through my whole body aching every inch of my body. And the answer he gave me was that he would kiss away my pain. and he said he has to take more effort than any other lover because i feel pain from my whole body.

But on the last day we spoke he said "cry, cry cry. I will hang the phone." I asked "alone?" And he said "Cry alone" I really must have deserve that. Crying alone. I wanted to tell him that all my life I cried alone. Don't leave me to cry alone. But I guess he didn't care anymore. And if he did care he wouldn't have say so also. "dear God, Let it be any other reason than my own fault." I wish that he left me for some other reason. Any other reason than my fault. Coz everything he told me keeps echoing in my ears. I can't stop it. Will I ever be able to stop it? (And I finally promised myself that if I ever see someone genuinely cry or sad I don't care if that person is my worst enemy, I will sit with that person and will try to cheer that person even for a minute, even if I had all the problems in the world. Nobody should cry alone.)

Now I'm scared of my day. Now I can't stop my tears. I usually can't stop my tears. He said that I'm like a heartless person once. May be doesn't know that if a person cry alone for so long time as I did, that other people will never understand that persons feelings. Other people will always see that person as a heartless person. And only a person who is willing to look in to that person's heart will understand the depth of that heart. He actually did understand me. He knew when I was upset. He knew when I was happy. And when I finally let him enter in to my heart, it was end of it. Its like good things never lasts for me.

Now I wonder how am I suppose to go along the day. Pain will be crushing. My body will be lifeless. My heart will be wounded. My mind would be at a fight, making it impossible to concentrate. Day time will be dark. I will have a eyes which will be always ready to cry. I wish that I didn't love him this much so that my pain would be more bearable. I really tried to do the justice for his love and in the end at a higher personal cost. So now that with a shrinking scared heart I'm going to start my day's work.

"Please God help me to get through this day, without anyone seeing me cry, without anyone knowing me sad, and without anyone, more than anyone him, not going through the same experience as mine.

First day of the end of the beginning

A whole day has passed with my decision, to go away from him. He only talked me once in the morning to make a travel plan. I don't know whether I expect him to call again yet I kept looking at the phone and was always having my attention on the phone. It seems like I always waiting for a never coming phone call. I can remember even I before fallen in love with him I kept on looking for a phone call from ... (I don't know from whom.) Even when I knew that there is no one to call me I kept waiting. When I fall in love with him and when he promised me that he won't leave me, I knew that there is someone to call me and waited for his call. And I'm so thankful to him becoz he never kept me waiting. He always called me when he can. And today first time I know that even if he can he won't call me. How much however I waited he won't call me. And that fact make my heart burn with the pain. But my mind says it's for the better for if he keeps on calling it would take more time to make up my mind. Anyway I was wondering whether even he remembered me once during the day. Becoz I can't find a moment that I forgot him during the day.

He once said that I'm his breath, his life. And now when he gone away is he still can breath? Becoz I can't. I might never told him that then in that way. But now that he has gone away it seems like he has taken my breath away with him. My life away with him. It seems like that my going away from him has not even affected him that much. And it has affected me this much. I can't sleep. I can't eat. And breathing its like breating fire. My heart keep burning and my body is at unceasing pain.

He would probably say this is my own fault. And I have to tolerate this crushing pain in my heart without a complain. But still I wonder that at least once during the day did I came to in to his mind? Did he thought about me? I don't know whether I wish that to happen or not. But it seem like without hope I still waiting for him. I wonder whether he would ever come back to me. Will I ever be able to forget this pain? Will I ever be sleep again? Will he ever call me? And if he does will there be any point without the love?

One thing is for sure. That He don't feel the same pain as mine. In one hand its frustrating in other hand it is relieving. Becoz at least my love is not suffering. That means that he would be able to forget me sooner and be happier sooner. For me at the moment I only see the most darkest and most loneliest days ahead of me. I don't know whether I would have the courage to bear this pain. And when I don't have that strength I even don't have place to turn in to. I have to think alone and make up my mind like today. I will be alone in this love forever as usual. It must be my destiny to stay alone.

Before I said goodbye I asked him what to do with the love I have for you. I'm searching for an answer for that question at the moment. I might be able to find a golden coffin, put my love in it and bury it in the silvery shady bank near a beautiful river so it can rest in peace, with my body, heart and soul. It will surely give me such a peace. But I know that is also like waiting for his phone call. Even there it is possible, it will never happen.

Baby I'm in pieces, and please fix me

Another Chapter closes in my life

With a tear in my eyes i write this post, as another chapter closed in my life. I never thought things would be take this kind of turn in my life. A wonderful man came in to my life and I was so unfortunate enough to loose him in a wink of an eye. Now i have said goodbye to him that I know there is no turning back. Its the fearful, tear filled, lonely future to look ahead. I wish I could go back on time and correct my mistake i have done for him. Yesterday I promised him that I would NOT do the same mistake again and thats why I said goodbye. But my heart still aching from the pain that was unknown to me all these years. Any girl out there please never do mistakes in your life and because some mistakes are fatal and you will can never can correct them. So I take the punishment and left him not with anger but with pure love hoping that he would have better life, if I left him. It was so hard for him to forgive me. But I sincerely wish that he would one day forgive me. Even now its too late for both of us I sincerely wish he would forgive me. Each time when I begged him to be forgiven, it was so hard for him. And in the end he ask me to leave. I couldn't leave at once. I wanted so much to stay with him. I want to share even that pain of his. I begged and begged. But it was too late. He told me so and with the love my whole heart could gather I said I would leave. Even if I'm away from you, even if I you never see me, I could guarantee that you would never be alone. My love will always follow you like a shadow. Coz I'm Gonna leave it with you and it will protect you from any harm and it will keep you company in darkest and most lonely nights. And as for this site I dedicate it to you, me and our love we shared.