Why did you make me love you so much
If you going to leave me
Why did you come to my heart
If you gonna punch it in the end
Why did you love me so much
If it will hurt so much tomorrow
Why did you want me this much
If you will never have me.
Friday, September 3, 2010
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Three things that slipped through my fingers, which are gone forever
This post is dedicated to my first very special person. I can’t tell things that I want to tell him directly or indirectly. So I am not going to say anything to him. Instead I am going to tell everything to you. By that I am saying everything without telling him anything. You will never know who he is. But if he ever gets to read this he will know right away this is for him. The thing I wanted tell him and couldn’t tell him, things that never happens and always wished to happen all those things I will tell you. Girls are like ice cream bars he would say. Yes he had lot of experience with girls. But I was the only one who could sit under his shadow. You may think I am fooling myself. But if you look deep within his heart you will see me reflected on him. We are both alike whatever we told ourselves. And those similarities of ourselves are pushing us far away from each other. its like same from same magnet end and two similar magnet fields will not attract together. That must be the one of the reasons that we couldn’t be together.
I was walking to the shop. I needed some thing to buy urgently. I don’t like walking alone. I always wanted to walk with someone by my side. I always wanted someone special in my side with the every step I took. It was then he suddenly appear before me. In my unconscious mind I wished him to come by my side. I wanted him to accompany me to the shop. Once in my life to be felt that there is someone by my side. He doesn’t smile much. But when he smiles, its like thousand blue tulips blossoms. You can see through to his soul through his smile. He smiled at me with that smile. I was mesmerized. But I shook off the shock and collect myself before he gets close. I was myself when he reached me. Where are you going? He asked me.
I stated the purpose of my trip.
Shall I come with you? The words that I waited so long to hear, he is saying them. I so wanted tell him yes. Yes, yes please do walk with me.
No, I’ll be fine. Instead I told him. He was little bit disappointed. I saw that with his failing smile. But he had no idea how disappointed I was with me. My life just slipped through my fingers.
There are lot of explanation I could give to justify my actions. But I will not. Because now I know that it doesn’t matter anymore. They say that there are three things in life once gone that never come back. One is time (the time that I could spend with him) second is words (the word uttered “no” as my answer could never be replaced by yes which I wanted to say) and third is opportunity (the opportunity to get you know better) I let them all slip away in a fraction of time. And they never came back as well. That moment was lost forever.
And now not to fade away from my memory and his memory I as going to save that moment in this post. It will be preserve with these words and all your minds, so finally I could do some justice for that moment.
I was walking to the shop. I needed some thing to buy urgently. I don’t like walking alone. I always wanted to walk with someone by my side. I always wanted someone special in my side with the every step I took. It was then he suddenly appear before me. In my unconscious mind I wished him to come by my side. I wanted him to accompany me to the shop. Once in my life to be felt that there is someone by my side. He doesn’t smile much. But when he smiles, its like thousand blue tulips blossoms. You can see through to his soul through his smile. He smiled at me with that smile. I was mesmerized. But I shook off the shock and collect myself before he gets close. I was myself when he reached me. Where are you going? He asked me.
I stated the purpose of my trip.
Shall I come with you? The words that I waited so long to hear, he is saying them. I so wanted tell him yes. Yes, yes please do walk with me.
No, I’ll be fine. Instead I told him. He was little bit disappointed. I saw that with his failing smile. But he had no idea how disappointed I was with me. My life just slipped through my fingers.
There are lot of explanation I could give to justify my actions. But I will not. Because now I know that it doesn’t matter anymore. They say that there are three things in life once gone that never come back. One is time (the time that I could spend with him) second is words (the word uttered “no” as my answer could never be replaced by yes which I wanted to say) and third is opportunity (the opportunity to get you know better) I let them all slip away in a fraction of time. And they never came back as well. That moment was lost forever.
And now not to fade away from my memory and his memory I as going to save that moment in this post. It will be preserve with these words and all your minds, so finally I could do some justice for that moment.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
First letter for my love
To my love,
Hi, how are you doing? I know however u feels, u will just say that u r ok. So I really need not to ask that question. But I never failed to ask it as well. Can u remember? Its being long time and I thought even if u doesn’t need to know anything about me I will tell something how I am doing. Coz in reality I know that u don’t give a sh** about me. Yet I always wish u do. So in my own imaginary world I pretend that u does care. That relieves me. So telling about me, I am not doing well. My self confidence is so low after my graduation. My family does not do anything to understand or develop it. But rather they pressure me with their own dreams. I need time to make up my mind and pick up with my life. They don’t give me the space I require.
On the other hand I miss u like hell. I can’t stop thinking about u. even amidst of the worst adversity I think about u. I know that u will never ever come to me again. Everything in my life confirms this. I also decided to marry and have a happy family. I am thinking about falling in love again. But deep within my heart I know that I am not over u. don’t hate me much for being jerk. Forgive me for what I did. I wish to correct my mistake. But I know that doesn’t have any meaning for u anymore. But sometimes I feel like just come looking for u. Just to turn whole world around and be with u. Go against every habitual principle that society has impose on us so that I could be with u. I will just be happy being with u.
And I want u to love me also. I know that I have mistakes. But I will stay with u against whole world if u just loves me. I will never ever abandon u. after all these years I still fail to think bad of u. How much however u avoid me, how much however u go behind other girls, my heart still remain faithful to u. I didn’t come close to u in the first place because knowing that our relationship will not work I didn’t wanted to use u. I have told u this before. Other hand now I’m not coming close to u because I don’t want u to take advantage of me. I want to love u and in turn earn ur love. I might be living in a dream world wishing impossible, but this is my reality.
I am unable to make promises for the future. Because I don’t know what will I feel in future. But I can assure u that all these time till I have been faithful to u. so I am writing this letter with my love that is as unlimited as sky, and as deep as ocean for u and just for u, just to give a glimpse of my heart.
With all my love,
Ur girl
Hi, how are you doing? I know however u feels, u will just say that u r ok. So I really need not to ask that question. But I never failed to ask it as well. Can u remember? Its being long time and I thought even if u doesn’t need to know anything about me I will tell something how I am doing. Coz in reality I know that u don’t give a sh** about me. Yet I always wish u do. So in my own imaginary world I pretend that u does care. That relieves me. So telling about me, I am not doing well. My self confidence is so low after my graduation. My family does not do anything to understand or develop it. But rather they pressure me with their own dreams. I need time to make up my mind and pick up with my life. They don’t give me the space I require.
On the other hand I miss u like hell. I can’t stop thinking about u. even amidst of the worst adversity I think about u. I know that u will never ever come to me again. Everything in my life confirms this. I also decided to marry and have a happy family. I am thinking about falling in love again. But deep within my heart I know that I am not over u. don’t hate me much for being jerk. Forgive me for what I did. I wish to correct my mistake. But I know that doesn’t have any meaning for u anymore. But sometimes I feel like just come looking for u. Just to turn whole world around and be with u. Go against every habitual principle that society has impose on us so that I could be with u. I will just be happy being with u.
And I want u to love me also. I know that I have mistakes. But I will stay with u against whole world if u just loves me. I will never ever abandon u. after all these years I still fail to think bad of u. How much however u avoid me, how much however u go behind other girls, my heart still remain faithful to u. I didn’t come close to u in the first place because knowing that our relationship will not work I didn’t wanted to use u. I have told u this before. Other hand now I’m not coming close to u because I don’t want u to take advantage of me. I want to love u and in turn earn ur love. I might be living in a dream world wishing impossible, but this is my reality.
I am unable to make promises for the future. Because I don’t know what will I feel in future. But I can assure u that all these time till I have been faithful to u. so I am writing this letter with my love that is as unlimited as sky, and as deep as ocean for u and just for u, just to give a glimpse of my heart.
With all my love,
Ur girl
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
untitle
It is so frustrating when u hate some one that u should love. I don’t like to be forced to be think of certain way. My body can undergo any limitations. But I don’t want my mind have limitation. I want it to be open and choose whatever I like. I don’t like my mind to be controlled by anything or anyone. Because from my childhood that was the only thing that I felt like that was truly belongs to me. When adults strictly control my behaviours my mind was always free. That made everything bearable. That was so good that I had one place to escape from all the evils in life. However yesterday I broke. My limit was reached and I couldn’t bear anymore. I told what was on my mind to their faces. Giving my first love up was too much for me. And nobody did anything to ease up my pain. Once u bottle up so much of pain alone inside u, its bound to break up. I don’t understand why I should bear everything alone and help everyone as nothing has happened.
I hate my father. Its so unfortunate to hate ur own father when you should be in love with him. I hate him to the core and the worst part is that I don’t want to hate him and I am hating myself for hating him. I want to go away from that feeling rather than facing it, because facing it means that I would have to hurt him. I bore this for so long without telling anyone and keeping it inside. But I don’t want to anymore. I want to be free from this guilty feeling. I want to be free from this burden. So I can love myself for being me.
He always makes me feel like I am nothing. I cant do anything. I hate that feeling. However I tried do hard to impress him. I worked hard and I tried to fulfill his wishes. Even his unspoken wishes I understood and tried to fulfill. And I did most of the things. But in the process I was lost. I couldn’t even find myself anymore. I am in a deep deep hole where I never can even think of getting out. The darkness is everywhere. Amidst of everything I lost something so precious to me. So I really don’t see any point in my life anymore. I don’t want to search for my place in world anymore. This is my place in the world. And even if everyone is going against me I will stand on my ground and never will give up on my place. Ever.
I hate my father. Its so unfortunate to hate ur own father when you should be in love with him. I hate him to the core and the worst part is that I don’t want to hate him and I am hating myself for hating him. I want to go away from that feeling rather than facing it, because facing it means that I would have to hurt him. I bore this for so long without telling anyone and keeping it inside. But I don’t want to anymore. I want to be free from this guilty feeling. I want to be free from this burden. So I can love myself for being me.
He always makes me feel like I am nothing. I cant do anything. I hate that feeling. However I tried do hard to impress him. I worked hard and I tried to fulfill his wishes. Even his unspoken wishes I understood and tried to fulfill. And I did most of the things. But in the process I was lost. I couldn’t even find myself anymore. I am in a deep deep hole where I never can even think of getting out. The darkness is everywhere. Amidst of everything I lost something so precious to me. So I really don’t see any point in my life anymore. I don’t want to search for my place in world anymore. This is my place in the world. And even if everyone is going against me I will stand on my ground and never will give up on my place. Ever.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Idiotic stupid world
Its Friday. Yayeeeee…. Its such a wonderful feeling to be so close to weekend. When I was young and hear people saying that they wait for weekend I was so amzed and asked myself y do they think like that? If they don’t like their jobs then they should simply quit it and find something they love to do. Now that I am working and waiting for the weekend from the Monday I know what they really meant. If the life was that simple there would be less problems and more boring. Anyhow since most of the in charges are out from the office bought me some time for thinking and blogging. Hehe, it feel weird to type those words. Blogging… wow what has happen to me. I never really imagine this day would come.
Anyway it has come and I am supposed to go along with it. I have another message for my first love. Its unbelievable after all that has happened I still think of you. Y cant you keep away from my mind and heart. And worst is every time I see a your type girl I feel such a jealousy I don’t want even to breath. I always wonder y I can’t be her. Idiotic, stupid rules in this world. Idiotic stupid my first love. Either you leave me alone or you turn the world upside down and get me. That’s the only two options you are left with.
I don’t like him messing with my heart like this. I know this is not his fault. But I also don’t have a option. I like him too much to get close to him or go away from him. Life sucks to maxa…
Anyway it has come and I am supposed to go along with it. I have another message for my first love. Its unbelievable after all that has happened I still think of you. Y cant you keep away from my mind and heart. And worst is every time I see a your type girl I feel such a jealousy I don’t want even to breath. I always wonder y I can’t be her. Idiotic, stupid rules in this world. Idiotic stupid my first love. Either you leave me alone or you turn the world upside down and get me. That’s the only two options you are left with.
I don’t like him messing with my heart like this. I know this is not his fault. But I also don’t have a option. I like him too much to get close to him or go away from him. Life sucks to maxa…
Perfectly imperfect
They say no body is perfect
That’s why he says that he is nobody
So being imperfect means
A being a nobody
I know that no body is perfect
So everybody is nobody
But when two bodies get together
They become somebody to each other
When people become somebody
To each other
Those imperfect selves become
So perfect to each other
So he is my perfectly imperfect person
Who makes my imperfect life perfect
So that he can become perfect for me
And become somebody to me
That’s why he says that he is nobody
So being imperfect means
A being a nobody
I know that no body is perfect
So everybody is nobody
But when two bodies get together
They become somebody to each other
When people become somebody
To each other
Those imperfect selves become
So perfect to each other
So he is my perfectly imperfect person
Who makes my imperfect life perfect
So that he can become perfect for me
And become somebody to me
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Help me to get over you
Today I want to ask something from the person whom I love. I don’t know whether he will read this. But its important for me to ask this anyway. Why is it you make me fall in love with you, knowingly we can’t be together? How can you be so indifferent about it as well? Why am I only one who feeling this way? Is loving wrong? My mom made me feel that way when I told my mom about feelings I had for you. If it is this wrong then while through this pain why am I feeling not guilty for loving you? I know that we never can be together. I know that you never will accept me like that. You also said you have feelings for me? You said that you wanted to be friends with me. But how can you e this indifferent to every thing?
Why am I feeling this much attached to u even when you try to avoid me? When I want to walk away why cant I? please answer me for this questions coz I cant bear it anymore I cant bear it when I am with you so close but never being able to reach out for you. You never have been in my league. Yet I cant bear it when you are not there also. I feel like I am bleeding to death. I am praying every visible and invisible powers to save me. I don’t know where to go, what to do with this heavy pain in my heart. I search every corner where I could reach to hid from this pain. But its following me like my love for you. My love also follows you wherever you go. I cant stop it but I am getting tired of this life more and more.
Everybody seems to have first love and every one of them have move on with their life despite of this, find a new love, get married, had children and make their life a success. Then why can’t I move on. Each time I ran away from you how come I end up in front of you? Is it because this world is round? Then isn’t their any solace for me. Should I bury in this pain? Please help me to get over you the way I fall for you. Help me because I have no one but you. And because I don’t want no one to be with me but you. Help me to get over you.
Why am I feeling this much attached to u even when you try to avoid me? When I want to walk away why cant I? please answer me for this questions coz I cant bear it anymore I cant bear it when I am with you so close but never being able to reach out for you. You never have been in my league. Yet I cant bear it when you are not there also. I feel like I am bleeding to death. I am praying every visible and invisible powers to save me. I don’t know where to go, what to do with this heavy pain in my heart. I search every corner where I could reach to hid from this pain. But its following me like my love for you. My love also follows you wherever you go. I cant stop it but I am getting tired of this life more and more.
Everybody seems to have first love and every one of them have move on with their life despite of this, find a new love, get married, had children and make their life a success. Then why can’t I move on. Each time I ran away from you how come I end up in front of you? Is it because this world is round? Then isn’t their any solace for me. Should I bury in this pain? Please help me to get over you the way I fall for you. Help me because I have no one but you. And because I don’t want no one to be with me but you. Help me to get over you.
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